Miles From Nowhere

For the love of God, bring John Rocker back!

Miles From Nowhere


This one's gonna be controversial.

People hate it when i bring him up. They cringe, roll their eyes, bite their lips and try to refrain from uttering pointed stereotypes about what kind of person I appear to be.

The same as they say about Rocker-
"Bigot"
"Hillbilly"
"Racist"
"Hick"
"Moron"

Whatever.

John Rocker was a heck of a closer. He was one of the best from 1999 to that fated 2001 season. After a solid 24 save season in 2000, he started the 2001 season on fire with 19 saves in 30 games. Then it all burst into flames halfway through the season.

Rocker went to a bar with a man who wrote for Sports Illustrated one night during that 2001 season, and with his guard down, spouted off his thoughts on the currents state of America. I'm not saying his comments were taken out of context, just that if you get a few beers in most middle class, white American men, they'd give you a similar viewpoint. Not only that, but Rocker was young and a notorious short-fused. To say that SI took advantage of the guy is being polite.

His now famous "interview" included his thoughts on New York-
"Imagine having to take the Number 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing."

"The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. I'm not a very big fan of foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?"

John Rocker grew up in Macon, Georgia. I've driven through Macon, there ain't much there in the way of cultural diversity and all that. I've often thought similar things while riding a subway in New York. The difference is that I never had the chance to blast off to some reporter, and I probably wouldn't have been so pointed in my remarks given the oppurtunity. Rocker represented the silent majority of souther whites who aren't sure what to think of American society and the changes it's undergoing. It's shocking to many people to hear someone come right out with such controversial thoughts.

Rocker's career will be defined by that one article that took every oppurtunity to make him look like a backwoods, racist redneck. The Atlanta Braves initially supported their young star, but when his pitching performance was affected by the hateful reaction of fans in metropolitan areas, they decided to trade him to the Indians. After a few years of bouncing around and being harassed by fans, Rocker finally called it quits this year. His only crimes were being young, hotheaded and politically incorrect. An older, more mature Rocker has tried to put it all behind him, but apparently the same liberals who harp about equility and compassion will never forgive him. He will remain one of my favorite baseball players simply for being a controversial figure and a damn fine player.

The Realness Hurts

Miles From Nowhere

I am a Randy Moss fan. I don't know how it happened. I'm not even sure I like it. Of all the athletes for me to like, most people would probably least expect me to love a guy like Moss. I like guys who play for the love of the game, not for the money alone. I love athletes who give their all on every play and put the team first, not ones who play for selfish, individual goals. Randy Moss is known for shooting his mouth off and "playing when he wants to play." Why then, am I so infatuated with him?

Theory #1- Randy Moss is one of the funniest athletes I have ever seen. Look at the picture above. Has there been a funnier moment in sports than when he pulled that shit, and Joe Buck had a conniption on national TV? He provides us with some of the funniest quotes ever as well.

E.G.- "You send that check in yet Randy?"

"When you rich, you don't write checks."

"How are you gonna pay the fine?"

"Straight cash, homey."

funny as fuck.

Theory #2- If there is a bigger redneck in the NFL, I have yet to see him. Randy is a country boy from West Virginia, and I stress country boy. He hosts an annual fishing tournament for charity. He fly fishes in a pond behind his house. He went to Marshall University for Christsake. One of the best stories I have ever heard involves Moss on his recruiting visit to Tennessee in the mid-90's. My boss at work used to be Coach Fulmer's right hand man, and dealt with the recruiting visits. Randy gets off the bus in Knoxville and meets his party, who asks him what he wants to do on his visit. First thing Randy says is "I wanna swim." Everyone was like "...... what?" So they set him up in the indoor pool at the Rec Center, where Randy proceeds to swim by himself for almost two hours.

Theory #3- Somewhere deep inside of me, there is a part of my sports fan psyche that loves guys who say whatever they want, play how they want, and live how they want. Moss is the president of the "I play when I want club." He can be selfish and immature. He can also be the most dangerous receiver ever. All Randy wants is for you to know this, and so he will make a rediculous play, and then walk off the field before the game is over. This is what confuses me, because my dad instilled the ideals of sportsmanship and honor in me from a young age. For some reason, I find guys like Moss and Ron Artest fascinating and hilarious. Sports are entertainment, and I love to be entertained by these guys. They don't care what people think of them. They "keep it real" as Moss once said.

And you know what, the realness hurts. It's also tremendous.

The Most Manly Way to Show Your Manhood

Miles From Nowhere

Without a doubt, growing a mustache is the most kick ass thing a man can do. It is easily the most masculine part of the male anatomy, and every guy with one is proves that they are more manly than those without one. I've tried like hell, but I can't grow one. You know what? I'm less of a man because of it.There are a few different types of mustaches that can be worn, some being better than others; all being incredibly awesome- "Who wants a Mustache Ride!?"

*The Jeff Kent- Probably my favorite. I can only pray to some day have one as glorious as Mr. Kent. Neatly trimmed, but thick enough. Commonly known as The Porn 'Stache. Also seen on Lt. Dangle on Reno 911, every single redneck on Cops and the cops who chase them. Mack from Super Troopers has a superb Kent. He wears it in real life too.

*The Ron Jeremy/Stan Van Gundy- Until last year, this was exclusivly Mr. Jeremy's 'Stache, but Stan Van's was in full effect the past two years as an NBA head coach. The Ron J/StanVan is a little shaggy, probably because it's hard to trim it when your filming pornography/coaching Shaq all the time. Also seen on used car salesmen, lots of Canadiens.

*Saddam's- .....Oh man, enough said. The dude didn't give a baker's fuck what the world community thought about the way he ran his country, but he took care of that Cadillac of a nose warmer. It's a good one, I'll give him that. Also seen on Arcot Ramathorn from Super Troopers.

*The Jake Plummer- It is hard to achieve your own category after only wearing a mustache for a few weeks, but if anyone can do it, it's this sandbagging son of a bitch. It's somewhere in between the previous two categories. Extends further past the sides of the mouth than the Kent, and is a little thicker, but is neater than the RJ/SVG. Phenomenal. Really in a class of it's own, I can't stress it enough.

*Ron Artest- Otherwise known as the "black man" mustache. Very classy, neatly trimmed, not bushy whatsoever. Joe Horn, Michael Irving, and Marvin Harrison all sport this look. Artest simply carries it out the best. Very business.


If I had to rate my top three of All-Time, which is really tough, I'd have to give the third spot to Eric Wedge. It's a pretty good Saddam, nice and thick and well kept. He loses points for shaving it off recently though.Number Two is definately Plummer's, and I really hope he brings it back soon. I do enjoy the beard, which is almost as gnarly as a mustache.First place is Mack's "Jeff Kent Porn 'Stache". Tremendous effort, buddy. It's even better than the dude it's named after, which is hard to do.I guess I better start working on mine again.


*Note*- I've taken alot of heat for not mentioning Adam Morrison's stache. This is probably because it's hard to really describe it and I can't find a good picture of it. It's flaky, it's really whispy, but it's still awesome. He gets an A+ for effort, thats for sure. It single handedly makes him a better basketball player than Gay-Gay Reddick, that's for damn dure.

The Glory of having a neck that's Red

Miles From Nowhere

Living in a country that prides itself on being progressive and diverse, I'm here to celebrate the great American way of the Redneck. It's not just a way of life, it's a culture unto its own. And God Darn It do I love being part of it. Being a Redneck is more than a racial thing; take a trip to South Cakalaki or East Tennerssee and you'll meet plenty of whiskey loving, truck driving, African Americans. It's more than Southern thing too; visit the great states of Northern or Southern New Jersey to see some of the finest Rednecks this side of the Mississippi. No, being a Redneck is a Gawd Dang American thing, and for my buffalo nickle, there ain't nothing finer.

I love being called a Redneck by those who look down on it. "Your Eff-ing right I'm a Redneck Bubba! I'ma dammed proud American too!" As I sit here in my camo sweat pants and Univeristy of Tennessee hat with a big ol' pincha Skoal, listening to Merle Hagard, a Gosh Darn tear of joy wells up in my eye. I couldn't be happier with who I am. I ain't no metrosexual, ambiguous, [expletive deleted], heathen. Alan Jackson sang "It's Alright to be a Redneck". Nope, sorry Alan, it's tremendous to be a Redneck-

Beer- Don't matter what kind, long as it don't got no fruit flavoring. I do prefer Texas brewed Shiner Bock, which you should check out sometime. "Ain't nothing Finer, Make it a Shiner" Beer is to Rednecks what coffee is to people in Seattle. Get's the motor going.

Tobacco- This country was founded on the stuff, look it up. It's an economic fact. Now I ain't no smoker, though I enjoy a good cigar every now and then. Give me a tin of Skoal or Kodiak, and I'll be one happy man. And I stress Man. Real men chew. It puts hair on your chest.....

Hair- Speaking of hair, I had a tremendous mullet last semester. Got it cut though. Something about looking professional at my new job. Mustaches, goatees, and beards; all proud symbols of the Redneck community. Look at ol' Earl up at the top of the page. He got a real babe because of that Fu-Man-Chu. Like I've said before, mustaches are the most manly part of the male anatomy. God I wish I could grow a mustache.

Guns- Who doesn't love 'em? You know that saying "Give me a museum, and I'll fill it" by Picasso?Give me a gun and I'll give you dinner, baby.

Music- Who doesn't like Lynyrd Skynyrd?No, really who doesn't, because you need to get the hell out of my country.

Camo- You have no idea how many games of flashlight tag and manhunt I won by wearing camouflage. It also looks great on everything; shower curtains, seat cushions, wedding dresses, etc.
Trucks- Now I don't drive a truck, yet. I'm what we call "financially dependent on my parents". The only sight prettier than a big Chevy Silverado with a deer in the back bed and a hound dog in the passenger seat is some stripper named Chastity I met at "The Emerald Club" last weekend.


God I love this country.